Expression

I am in that state of that cannot be decided on either side whether it is the best years, the worst years, the most difficult, or simply the stage where the most in crammed into one space. If ever a secret formula or idea was figured out for this stage that allowed one clarity I should think the inventor of said idea would be a wealthy and beloved man or woman. Being at this stage I find most of my writing devoted as a manner to express an idea or to play out options that weigh upon my mind.

I read something today for a class pricked something in my mind and got it running again. I knew this would mean a long night. The reading that started this was about film making. The author of the text was asked if the art of film making could be taught. His answer was no. This intrigued me. The theories and vocabulary and the likes could be provided in classrooms but the ability to comprehend and truly express a message can not be taught. In order to become proficient in this art in any form requires at least a competence in the other realms that make it up. For filmmaking he cited Directing, Acting, and Writing. That you could not be proficient in one without some working knowledge of the others and if you wanted to truly master the art all 3 must become

second nature.

If you follow my life at all, and the few who do may God bless you with the best of everything for your patience and with a strong stomach for all of the dizzying changes that follow me. The art of expression is me. That is not an error in typing or grammar. Everything that has shaped me in any significant way has been an art or manner of expressing myself.

I believe it is this realization that has drawn me at this time to grabbing hold of every possible form of expressio

n and creation that I can possibly wrap my mind around. There are very few things that i can say with such a strength in my claim that I would denounce every fact in the world to the contrary, but one of those is that I will be required to express myself with clarity and with power. Which is why right now I’m looking for the mediums in which I can do this best.

I feel a lot like a child learning to speak. I think....seeing as how I don’t remember my first time learning. I have things I need, I want, and things I see around that I can affect if only I can find my voice! I understand what speaks to me and to certain extents how i can in turn speak back.

I love the piano.

From a young age my parents had me sitting on the piano bench learning to play music. I do not lay claim to any title of superior skill but I do know that I have played long enough that I can sit down at any piano and without any music in front of me, tell anyone in the room what weighs heaviest on me at that moment. This has been a great gift and release for me through these last few years. So I ask myself, “if you can there, where else?”

The reason that question is so important to me is I believe it holds the keys to the big choices I need to make in this stage. Perhaps I am wrong. I don’t know.

But what i have found is that...

Creation feels amazing,

Writing clears my mind,

Acting frees my imagination,

There are few things as gratifying as being understood...and in turn...appreciated.

Wouldn’t you agree?

Saving the World Pt.I

How I save the world.

I think it’s time to unveil a great secret.

To every man there exist a world. Most people would call that a stupid statement. But if you were to ask any two man what that world was made of or what it is....you would think they were talki

ng about separate planets.

I have often been found saying “saving the world” or “preventing the world from falling apart.” Most people just laugh and make some crack about being a superhero or how I foiled their plan to take over the world. I laugh with them because it’s funny, but i think to myself each time. They truly don’t understand what i’m saying.

Each person’s life is filled with experiences and people and things that make up existence. A person who never responded to anything would simply exist. But nobody lives a life like that entirely. Some are pretty close. But because we all respond to what happens around us and interpret things in a different way we each develop our own world. The proper term would be perspective on the world but because we act upon that perspective it becomes our reality. Our perspective is our world.

Many times I’ve learned that my world is played out like a stage play or a film in my head. I have been accused multiple times of directing moments, people, and situations in my life long before they ever happen. Perhaps it is a sad search for control over my world. If that is true I have become the Villain to my world in that i seek to control it’s freedom and bend it’s will to my own.

The real question lies in the moment something changes....something happens in my world that I didn’t direct or set up. It disturbs the current flow of my world and puts it out of balance and threatens to make me recreate it. Search for a new perspective. This is how my world is threatened. Dealing with these crisis are how i save the world.

I give an example to illustrate a point.

We come to the end of another summer. School is around the corner and its time to make some choices again. Happens every year. My world must be saved once more at this time. I shape most of my world around people, main characters in the play of my life. As school approaches some things will happen. Some of them will move away to go to school in other cities and states. Others will stay close but be very busy. Some of my main characters are leaving the stage for extended periods of time. Can we still talk and keep up? Yes, I’m not dumb. But it is still different. The pieces and plot line I have in place are being rearranged by things I didn’t direct. My world is falling apart.

It is impossible to hold everything together. I cannot keep my friends from returning to school, or leaving. I don’t want to. How then do I save my world? .....It’s a work in progress. .....

(more on saving the world in PT II)

Words that can make the world fall down.

I'm a big fan of words.  I like them.  When you understand them and know how they work you become very powerful because you are one of an elite few who can communicate completely.

This doesn't mean that you have to always use big words or have a vocabulary that makes merriam webster nervous.  But simply understand what words mean truly and what you mean when you say them.   This is why i try to be very careful in the words i choose to say.  I've seen words protect people.  Think about it.  "watch out" will put anyone within hearing on their toes and can save you from a horrible accident.  "i did it" can free someone from misplaced blame.  

But some words are dangerous.  They are like many of the great advances of our day and age....incredibly powerful and if misused can become the most destructive force on a persons life.  

Obviously one of the stronger examples of these power words is the phrase "I Love You."   These 3 words can be the source of comfort, joy, and peace to someone who knows that they are being spoken in truth.  That the words truly have a meaning behind them more than the idea of "you are convenient."  Turn the tables just a few degrees and watch how these words become like a match in a dynamite factory.  To say "I love you" to someone who is not ready to accept, who is not willing, or who does not merit it from you....immediately puts them on the defensive and any open bonds you share become quickly closed and funneled into one easy to read and protect doorway.  This is why we fear to use them.  because of the power they wield.  But there comes a moment when we have to face this fear.  To light the match and see where we are.   I admit that I personally struggle with this.  Out of fear of propriety and loss i do not always use the words which could heal, which could help.   But once the words find a place in your vocabulary, and you find yourself aching to light the match.......it's time to let it happen.  

cover your ears...strike the match....wait.

Destiny vs. Desire

Although this may sound like a desperate plea for help, it's not. It's really just a thought that needed some visual clarity placed on it.

I'm not a believer in destiny. Not one who believes that there is one purpose that we were designed for and we are unable to escape it's grasp. I believe that we make choices that change the course of our lives. Some would say..."change the course of destiny." That phrase is a contradiction to itself in my mind.

So why this turn to destiny and man's purpose in life? It comes from a recent question posed to me in one of those contemplative moments i have on accident about once a week. The question is...."at what point does a man discover that what he thought was destiny was just desire hidden behind a concrete will? One of the easiest ways to demonstrate this question is in the horror of young single adult life. Well, single life in general. For example, a man/woman finds someone they truly care about. As things progress it seems that destiny has declared a destination for the two...whether it be together or seperate, it doesn't matter. At what point does one of them discover that the reason it happened wasn't destiny, you're relationship wasn't destined to fail or to succeed? It became what it was because desire determined how hard you worked for it.

Some would argue that point with me saying that somethings just don't work together and will always break apart or stick together. (i.e. oil and water or the polar opposites of magnets.) To this I answer that there are always things that can change the "destiny" of said objects. Oil and water don't mix alone, but have you ever made pancakes...some recipes call for both. They can be mixed when a third party is introduced. Magnets can switch polarity, (no that is not a reference to being gay or not) I grant the point that in the purest state, with nothing interfering with it, these things will always follow the "destiny" designed for them. But that only strengthens my point that desire and choice have a larger effect on destiny than it's own pull.

I'm still in the argumentative stage in my head on this topic, but i had to place this basic idea down in writing to see if it held up to my own scrutiny. The short of it all is that a man's destiny is what he makes it to be. Destiny is nothing more than an empty bottle that we fill with what we want and do. So, when you are handed your bottle labeled "your destiny" and it's filled with things you weren't expecting...take a look back and see what you put in there, because no one else filled that bottle but you. ......hope mine is filled with orange juice....cause it's just soooo good.